“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
こいつ天才
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.