Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
so weird how every mom was born today
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.