me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
You Might Also Like
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin