Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
doing your own taxes
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I needed a laugh this morning.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Bike for sale
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open