(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.