My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.