I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.