Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
You Might Also Like
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
こいつ天才
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it