The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭