Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
You Might Also Like
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.