boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Important
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.