The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Pigeon open mic night.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Before & after 😅
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.