Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.