Who knew!
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I hate everything
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate