Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
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Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men鈥檚 underwear
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[first day as therapist]
patient: i鈥檓 in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it鈥檚 cheap
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: I鈥檓 very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
You know you鈥檙e an adult when you鈥檝e injured yourself sleeping
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.