[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal ðŸ˜
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.