The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
🤣🤣
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me