Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Trying to keep the riff raff away.