Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Cndnsd Mlk
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.