No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.