Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
i think both sides are to blame here
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.