ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3