*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me