This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.