me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away