6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire