I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
when you don’t want to be too vague
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I am also baked goods
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
For those that worship cheese..
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too