My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
You Might Also Like
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.