I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.