[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
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My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.