Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Sell your car
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.