You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
ouch
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10