Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it