My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.