So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
This a good idea
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings