My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.