[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?