I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.