But I really needed water water water
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Hard not to take this personally
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.