15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.