Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
🤣😂🤣
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home