KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour