You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit