i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Steam Forums
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!