waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
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All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.