*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.