I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body