CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying