Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.