You Might Also Like
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings